Love lessons.

An undated note tucked in the back pocket of my journal. 

All that I have learned of love (and I have been a poor and difficult student), I have learned from the forest, Wendell Berry (who showed me the depth and the beauty possible in marriage), Jesus (who showed me the extremity of love), and the Buddhists (who showed me equanimity—the agape love that holds everything dear, just as it is). 

I understand that the pain that comes from stretching the soul is the pain of ripping the ego in its battle for reality. It is, however, nothing more than a construct, a falsehood that tries to contain our hearts and souls as though our love is an exhaustible resource; making us believe that there is only so much room in either when both, like the Universe that dusted our bones with bits of stars, they are infinite and one with the all-that-is—equally sacred and profane. It is only the ego and its false fears that there is something to lose that keeps us from opening as wide as all existence. 

-|KXM|-

edited & posted 01/31/2012

The Bodhisattva's Way

I give thanks to all the holy lamas who have carried the unbroken dharma lineage through the aeons. I prostrate in gratitude that my life has been touched by these kind teachers and dedicate any merit that I may accumulate in this life to the liberation of all beings from suffering. 

May you have happiness and its causes.

May you be free from suffering and its causes.

May you never be separated from the joy that is without sorrow.

May you abide in equanimity, free from bias, anger, aversion, and attachment. 

May I take up the path of the warriors and become a Victor so that I too may hold the lamp on the path to lead all beings out of the darkness.

Dedication from Guide to a Bodhisattva's Way of Life

by Master Shantideva

---

May all beings everywhere

Plagued by sufferings of body and mind

Obtain an ocean of happiness and joy

By virtue of my merits.

May no living creature suffer,

Commit evil or ever fall ill.

May no one be afraid or belittled,

With a mind weighed down by depression.

May the blind see forms,

And the deaf hear sounds.

May those whose bodies are worn with toil

Be restored on finding repose.

May the naked find clothing,

The hungry find food.

May the thirsty find water

And delicious drinks.

May the poor find wealth,

Those weak with sorrow find joy.

May the forlorn find hope,

Constant happiness and prosperity.

May all who are ill or injured

Quickly be freed from their ailments.

Whatever diseases there are in the world,

May these never occur again.

May the frightened cease to be afraid

And those bound be freed.

May the powerless find power

And may people think of benefiting each other.

For as long as space endures

And as long as living beings remain,

Until then may I too abide

To dispel the misery of the world.

My sisters

Today, I will walk in the 4th Annual AmizadeWater Walk for Women’s Rights. It is my second year participating in this powerful event created by Pittsburgh-based Amizade Global Service and Learning. I have many kind and generous friends and was able to raise $638 (final) from donations that ranged between $5 and $100. In the course of fundraising, people often say nice things about me and what I do, which is kind, however, it is not what motivates me. 

There is an eons-long debate about whether charity should be done publicly, or whether we should do all of our good deeds as anonymously as possible. While I understand and deeply respect the former position for its emphasis on humility and keeping the focus on the deed and not what you will get from it (most particularly, praise), I feel strongly that public acts of goodness are important, even as the praise sometimes makes me feel a bit awkward. I know where my true motivation lies, so I do not worry about it too much.

This broken and hurting world needs more love, more kindness, more compassion, and more generosity. It is my belief that seeing others engaged in such acts encourages people to do join in. I believe that seeing someone else do something sweet and kind, no matter how small—going out of your way for a second to help someone on crutches with a door—makes people happy. Certainly not everyone, some will be too myopic to notice, but most who see it will feel some amount of joy and, it is my hope, be motivated to act on their own altruistic feelings. If we choose to focus on it, there is much negativity in this world and it makes people feel small and powerless. I want to spread the joy of the hummingbird.

There is an African parable about a forest fire. The trees are ablaze and the animals flee the forest ahead of the raging flames. They gather on the edge, staring at the destructive force tearing through their home. Finally, the littlest hummingbird cannot take it anymore and she flies to the stream, gets a beak full of water and flies to the fire and spits it on the flames. She goes back to the stream, bringing drop by little drop to the fire. The other animals see this and say, “Hummingbird! What are you doing!? You cannot put out this raging fire with the little drops of water from your beak!” And the hummingbird replies that they are right, but that is what she can do, and she will keep doing what she can do, however small, to help put out the fire. [Click here to hear African women’s rights activist, Nobel Peace Prize winner, and founder of the Green Belt movement, Professor Wangari Maathai recount this parable in the movie Dirt!]

The little hummingbird, on one hand, seems pitiful and hopeless, but she is the hope of the story—she will be part of the solution, no matter what the odds. I want to be the hummingbird. I want to be part of the solution, no matter how intractable the problem may be because the one thing guaranteed not to work is despair. I cannot feed everyone, but I can feed one. To that one person, the difference of a meal or not is probably a pretty big deal. 

So what does this have to do with the Water Walk? The walk and the small amount of money that I am able to bring to it is but a tiny act in the face of the daunting amount of suffering in the world from profound poverty, oppression, slavery, rape, war, greed, environmental destruction… So much devastation and the flames keep raging. I sit here in a warm apartment in a city that is not under siege. I brushed my teeth with clean water and was able to use a toilet inside, safely and sanitarily washing away the waste with potable water. I will open my refrigerator and take out a variety of food to make myself healthy meals for the day. Like many others in North America, indubitably, some of that food will not be eaten before it goes bad and will end up in my compost pile. I am writing this on a computer, itself its own little miracle, powered by electricity and connected to a global network of knowledge and resources, accessible in seconds with the click of a finger. 

I am a woman who has never been raped. I am a woman who has never been forced to marry. I am a woman more educated than most of the world’s population. Though my income is modest by US standards, it is thousands of times that of most of the women of the world. My safety, my security, my independence, my basic, inherent sense of self-worth and dignity are luxuries for most of my global sisters. I do not feel sorry that I have these things. Not in the least, but I am privileged to have them. I am blessed with great leisure and fortune. I do not feel guilty for the karma that brought me to this birth, but I also do not feel uniquely entitled to its gifts. The issue is not to feel bad about the gifts you have, but to figure out how you will use them. Will you use your privilege, your leisure and fortune, to serve others? Or to serve your own selfishness? The latter is enticing, but it is ultimately unsatisfying. Fed greed only becomes greedier—the craving never stilled. Like the delicious meal on which you overindulge, at the end of the night you will feel bloated, miserable, and sick. Feed love and it grows, filling you and everyone around you. 

I want every girl born on this planet to never know the pain of rape. I want every girl to be raised so that she believes that being a woman is not an impediment to any dream. I want every girl to have enough leisure and fortune that she may be able to explore who she is other than the property of a man or a water mule. I want every girl to be able to be educated and financially independent so that she may choose to be a wife, a mother, a neurosurgeon, engineer, teacher, diplomat, scholar, a farmer...whatever her heart leads her to be.

I have oft said that the only good use of power is the protection of others. Strength has nobility only when it is used to empower others, not to continue their oppression. I have been given a gift. I find joy in sharing my gifts. I have this bizarre idea that when we are all better off, we are all better off--that more happiness = more happiness. There is no real way to insulate myself from the suffering of others. You may feel that your toe is far from your heart, but fail to treat infection in the toe, and one day it will stop the heart--we are all connected, inextricably. Who would want to cut off their leg or allow themselves to die rather than treat the infection with antibiotics? Those who see the toe as separate from the heart are suffering from terrible delusion that will cause them great harm.

There are over a billion people without access to clean water. Tomorrow, there will still be over a billion people without access to clean water. We can despair that and stay home today or keep our wallets closed because “we really can’t make a difference!” Or, like the hummingbird, we keep putting drop by drop on the fire... I know it works. If it was just me, I would not have $638 to help the people of Karagwe. I would have only my own small contribution. But because I told you, because I chose to do this act publicly and entreat others to help, WE have raised $638. A bucket of water made from many small drops. Still a small amount in the grand scheme of things, but I prefer to think of the people of Karagwe who now have clean water, improved sanitation, and more time to devote to improving their lives in other ways now that they do not need to lug jugs of water for miles a day. I prefer to think that one girl from that village will get to go to school who would not have before. Who knows what she may grow to become? She may be the acorn that sprouts the new forest in the ashes of the old. 

In the words of my favorite poet, “Be joyful, though you have considered all the facts.”

My heartfelt thanks to everyone who has made this possible. I am but the humble courier of your generosity, and I bow to you with hands in prayer. _/|\_ 

About Amizade’s Water Work:

Because of the generous support our grant partner, the AllPeopleBeHappy Foundation, and Water Walkers like you, last year alone we were able to achieve the following:

• Bring clean water to over 300 schoolchildren in the area of rural Karagwe,Tanzania;
• Install a massive 300,000 liter water-harvesting system, including gutters, underground piping, and a solar-powered pump for a new school in the small village of Chonyoyo, read more here;
• Complete full evaluations on the water-harvesting systems that Amizade already helped to install for 8 families that have survived gender-based human rights abuses;
• Install 5 other rain-water harvesting tanks for families in the region;
• Construct and connect a vital fruit-tree nursery to the Chonyoyo water tank that will provide local families with healthy food;
• Lead workshops on the benefits of Solar Water Disinfection (SODIS) – a method to produce suitable drinking water utilizing solar rays from the sun – to several groups of community members; 
• Hold two very successful “Water Walks”, which have had a combined total of over 600 participants, received local print and television press, and raised over $8,000 for clean-water initiatives; and
• Install ‘tip-tap’ hand washing devices (a mechanism designed to encourage hand-washing while conserving water) at recipients’ homes using simple, local materials, assembling the contraptions on-site by way of demonstrating a simple technology that families can share with their neighbors in order to increase awareness about the importance of hygiene and sanitation.

Gratitude.

I am blessed beyond sense in so many ways. Though I often trudge through my days, dragging my feet (and other body parts), there are moments in which the whole of my being is flooded with gratitude for the abundance of love and amazing people in my life.

"How will you use your leisure and fortune today?" This is written on a card that sits on my dining room table, again on my kitchen cabinet, and, in a slightly different formulation, on the mirror in my bedroom. I was asked the other day what it means, and was reminded that, what can seem so obvious to one is not clear at all to others.

If you are reading this, you are blessed by leisure and fortune. If you did not go to bed hungry for lack of food, you are blessed by leisure and fortune. If, indeed, you went to bed in a bed in a house, you are blessed by leisure and fortune. If you had a break from work today, you are blessed by leisure and fortune. If you own a TV, a radio, a phone, a car, more clothes than you need, have heat, indoor plumbing, and electricity, you are blessed with leisure and fortune.

So often, however, we take all this for granted. We don't think about the fact that the water that comes out of our faucet is a small miracle unavailable to a sixth of the world's population. We hate our jobs. We bemoan our bills. We complain about the cost of holiday presents. We complain about gas mileage, mortgage payments, and our schedules busy with engagements, meetings, errands, parties, and concerts. We pay money for the gym, and whine about having to go take our flaccid, overfed, underworked bodies to "work out."

Please understand that I'm not in anyway saying these things to stir up guilt. I don't feel guilty to have any of these things. That they are in my life is an act of grace and the result of karma. The question is not whether I should feel bad about my blessings (how ridiculous), but  how I will use them. Whether I will cherish them and employ them in the service of others, or if I will twist them into burdens to be grudgingly borne? Think about it--a billion people in the world would probably die of gratitude if they could walk from their heated, comfortable bedroom into a bathroom where they could relieve themselves in a sanitary toilet, wash their hands with soap and clean water, brush their teeth and swallow water that would not give them dysentery. Yet we drag ourselves from bed, complaining that the room isn't warm enough and that the gas bills are so high, thoughtlessly go through the motions of our morning rituals, complaining that it takes the water too long to get hot, thinking about all the rest of the crap we have to do today, dreading donning our multiple layers of clothes, shoveling our sidewalks, and getting ourselves to work.

I'm not saying that I like paying my bills or coming to work. I most certainly do not. I'm not saying that I don't have real problems and that addressing them isn't a struggle. But relative to many, many people, I am rich beyond belief. My modest American standard of living far surpasses that of billions of people. Billions. So what will I do with it? Is my life really so hard? Really?? Beyond the physical comforts I enjoy, I have had access to an education, to spiritual teachers, and to an abundance of undeserved love. I am a woman who can read, who can work, who has never backed down to a man, never been raped, never been hit, never been degraded for my sex, never been told that I could not ________ because "women can't do those things." To write those words breaks my heart because I know there are billions of women around the world for whom ignorance, domination, abuse, and humiliation are just the way of their lives. So how will I use my knowledge, my freedom, my voice?

Gratitude is the greatest antidote to feeling small, useless, angry, exhausted, put-out, deprived. Gratitude, when it floods the heart and soul, begets generosity, and it is generosity that gets us everything else. Abundance comes from a lack of attachment, so if you want to be full--give of yourself. Give it away. Unclench your fist--it can only hold but a tablespoon of water.  Hands open in praise receive the entire river in its passing. 

So how will you use your leisure and fortune today? How can you use your blessings to bless the world?

...all that has come to us

has come as the river comes,

given in passing away...

Depleted - redux

I want to expand on a thought I expressed in an earlier post, "Depleted."  I wrote of feeling as though I need to be perfect, but I don't know that I fleshed out completely what I mean. I wrote:

If I could be perfect--perfectly organized, perfectly disciplined, I would feel better and be able to do so much more. But I'm far from perfect, and getting there requires that I overcome what the perfection would solve--in order to acquire my panacea, I must solve all the problems it will fix. 

I am almost never sick in the traditional sense. (I feel a winter of plague about to descend upon me... ;-)) What happens to me is that I get worn down--exhausted in epic proportions, I feel crumpled, depleted to the core, emotionally fragile, mentally compromised, functionally deficient. (This article from BMC Musculoskeletal Disorders gives a good picture of exhaustion in fibromyalgia.) What I need is a "reset" day. I need to sleep 10-11 hours and just do nothing--hang about in my jammies, let my brain sink to the back of my skull, relax, not stress, and recharge.

In my head, I can do the math:  1 reset day > 7-10 half-functional, crappy days where I'm grouchy, mean, stressed, want to cry, in pain, and functionally worthless. This does not, however, seem to make it any easier to take this time. Even with a reasonably supportive work environment, I feel guilty if I call off and I'm not hugging my toilet bowl or incapable of standing up for more than 10 minutes. But why? Why, despite knowing that I just need the day to replenish my energy supply, is it so dang hard to give myself permission to do it? Why does it kick up so much guilt, shame, anger...??

Because I'm not perfect, and in my damaged little head--I should be. If I were perfect, if I could manage this condition perfectly (and on my own, of course), and I wouldn't have this problem. I wouldn't collapse anymore, I'd be somehow almost cured, and able to pretend like this doesn't exist. If I could manage my sleep and exercise and diet and stress and workload perfectly, I would be fine. I would be able to crawl into my protective shell of denial and you all would never know that anything was wrong, right? Then, if for some inexplicable reason, I had a bad day, I'd be able to take the day off because it wouldn't be my fault.

That, there, is the real twisted little crux of this problem.

Somehow, I've decided that, unless I do EVERYTHING 100% perfectly, my suffering is my fault, and, as such, I do not deserve any sort of break. Which is really screwed up. How many diabetics or people with heart conditions take lousy care of themselves? Yet we somehow still do not blame them for their conditions (even if we admonish them to not eat that Primanti's sandwich and box of donuts and to get some exercise), or for the corresponding issues they suffer from not caring for themselves. I don't completely ignore what I am supposed to do, I am trying to figure out what works. I do try to take care of myself--my problem is that doing so is one. more. thing. that I have to do. One. More. Thing. to add to everything else. More time, more energy--that I don't goddamn well have.

It requires giving things up--I can't give up the job that feeds me and gives me money to spend on caring for myself. I can't, at the moment, give up school which I hope to be the ticket to a career I find meaningful. I could drag that process out, making it suck even longer, or give up and resign myself to spending 40 hours a week doing something I dislike. So what then? Give up the things that make my life feel meaningful? The things that keep me from going crazy? Give up caring for my friends and spending time with them? Or, you know, if I could just be more efficient at everything--cut out all the slack, all the time wasted on account of being too mentally or physically tired to do anything actually productive (solve the problem for which perfection is the panacea...)--I could get everything done. If everyday was scheduled and regulated, meals planned, time blocked off for everything that needs to be done--work, school, exercise, PT, mediation, assignments, community service, 8 hours of sleep--and executed with no deviation--if I could be perfect, I could make it all work.

Unfortunately, I left my cape and "S" on the bus, I think.

Mind you, I know darn well that a) perfection is not possible, and b) that there is no proof that, even if I were able to discern what it is that I need to function and could give it to myself, I would not still have bad days or struggle in spite of it all.

I have a hard time reconciling what I know with what I do. Being of a cerebral nature, I feel like there should be an automatic connection between knowledge and action--that is, the simple act of possessing knowledge should spontaneously result in the corresponding right action. We all know, however, that to create new habits, we have to practice things. We can study skiing for a year, but until we put the sticks on our feet (well, you crazy people can--I know enough to know that I'm not doing it... ;) ) and hurtle ourselves down a hillside, you don't know how to ski. I have a lot of information, but weaving it into the fabric of my life is a lot more complicated than reading a book or a journal article. Regardless, it is this failure to do so for which I hold myself accountable to an inappropriate degree.

I'm not entirely sure how to fix this, so I've taken an approach that I find to be fairly effective, if a bit inelegant. Even when it cuts against my inclination, even when I know that I haven't worked it all out, even when I know that it will throw me off balance and make me uncomfortable--I just stop. The anecdote to a brain filled with crap is action. I work with my body in yoga, and it helps to heal my heart and my mind. So it is also with this--and I do it OH SO very imperfectly, but my plan, my hope, is that with repeated action will come habituation. If I just say "$#%& it" and give myself a break, despite what "people will think," despite whatever narrative I have running inside my skull, perhaps I'll get better at it, more graceful, more at ease in my own skin. And, perhaps, if I cut myself some slack it will become easier to deal with the lead-filled bones inside that skin, and that will ease the tension in my chest, which will make my heart softer and my thoughts more calm.

So often, to get what we want we have to act counter-intuitively. If you want abundance, practice generosity. If you are angry, practice forgiveness and patience. If you want to act with more ease and grace, do what knocks you off balance and makes you struggle. If you want to be perfect, be imperfect and at some point, new habits will form and (it is my hope anyway) perfection will no longer be (perceived as) necessary.

More from the archives: Exercise in remembering.

This is the last of the old myspace stuff that I'm saving. It is interesting to go back and see how much has changed and how much remains the same, to be reminded of where I was when.  


Monday, December 25, 2006  
A Christmas Prayer for All of Us
Current mood:  awake
On this beautiful morning, many celebrate the birth of Jesus of Nazareth. Whether you accept him as the redeemer of humankind or not, there is something to be gained through contemplation of his example. As you reflect upon his birth—may you be renewed by his Spirit of Love and Compassion, both in thought and deed. May it move you to a new commitment to serve your fellow humans as he did—regardless of creed, race, or social status. May it put peace and forgiveness in your heart, free it of hatred and judgment, and open it wide.

This holiday season, I pray for you to be moved by the example of Jesus, to live free of hatred, to give of yourself to others, to not think of "the less fortunate," but of your brothers and sisters in need—for we are all in need of each other. Jesus showed us the miracle and the power of a higher Love. Let that Love fill you today, and stay with you all the year through. Let the "Second Coming" come through you by your acts of service and love to all Creation.

The world does truly fill me with wonder, humble me, and fill me with gratitude. Jesus' story for me is a story of radical Love, of a man whose heart was stretched so wide, that one might come to see him as divine—we often give that word to things which inspire awe in us or that, in their greatness, seem beyond this world. But many "divine" things happen on this Earth. Each day new things grow, death is resurrected in to life, a broken heart is healed, one hand reaches for another, asking nothing in return. In this spirit of wonder, humility, Love, and gratitude, I wish you a joyous Christmas day.
9:47 AM

 Friday, December 17, 2004
Awake too late again...
Current mood:  discontent

It is early Friday morning. I'm restless. I'm tired. I'm not taking the drugs that are supposed to make me sleep b/c to take enough to make me sleep makes me want to sleep like 12 hours, and who has time for that...not that my recent days have been pictures of productivity, but when I wake up after 9 AM, I feel like the day just slips through my fingers in seconds.

I'm in therapy, and I don't like it. I don't think that you are really supposed to "like" it. Thankfully I'm not being reborn or uberanalyzing whether my mommy loved me enough for some critical fifteen minutes when I was four and a half, or talking to pillows representing my father about my abandonment issues, but the task at hand is not easy nor pleasant. Who the hell wants to acknowledge the sh*t that is f*cked up about themselves, let alone go about trying to change it after you've spent 30 years getting good at it?

My instinct is to bolt, but we all know that doesn't work because you take yourself with you. This is why the drug addicts are on to something--they run away and leave themselves behind. Suicide is always effective, but you know, there are strings attached to that one too.

It's these early days that are the most ambivalent--on the one hand you are presented with an opportunity to radically change your life in a way that promises to be most positive. On the other hand, it hurts like hell. It feels overwhelming. The path back you know too well--that suffering has been had. The path forward is to the unknown, but first you have to walk over the hot coals to get to the sharp rocks to get to the smoother gravel to get to the soft grass. And that really is the way it is.

A therapist who will remain unnamed says: "The way out of hell is acceptance. The catch is that the ladder is aluminum, and each rung burns until you get far enough away from the fire." So I have to keep lurching forward...despite the overwhelming desire to...not.

So here I am, trying to stay the path. Forgive me if I seem a little weird. I feel a little weird, and it wasn't the Kool-aid.
    Currently listening: Martin + Me by J Mascis
4:08 AM

Tuesday, December 14, 2004
Snowglobe.
Current mood:  relaxed
The snow hangs in the air like floating feathers from some great cosmic pillow fight. The sun peeks through from time to time brightening up the whitening world outside my window, and I am left in the glorious peace of solitude. I just finished a seemingly never-ending and rather arduous job. My body is reverberating from the work, and my mind is relieved. A long list of thing that might be done scrolls through my head, but none of them have any staying power, save the making of coffee and food. My brain feels scattered, but not in a stressful way. Time to go wander...

Currently listening: Lost in Revelry by Mendoza Line
6:47 PM

Monday, December 13, 2004
Another late Sunday night
Sunday creeps in to Monday and I find myself here instead of in bed with the man who is supposed to be my lover. But here I sit...pondering. The wind is rattling my window despite having shut the storm windows weeks ago when the temperatures started to drop. There was talk of snow on the TV news this evening--perhaps tomorrow we'll wake up inside a little snowglobe and perhaps we'll be enchanted, if even for a moment. Sometimes even when you know you should sleep, you just don't want to. Tonight it is not the dread that tomorrow brings, it is just the heaviness of my brain. I need to box up the excess and put it on the shelf for awhile until I am ready to deal with it. We can only do that which we can do. And what doesn't get done, doesn't get done, and that is just the way things are. "I beg you...to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer..." (Rainer Maria Rilke) Living in the moment... If you fail to give your attention to that which is in front of you at the moment, you will lose the moment at hand--its opportunities, its lessons, its joys, its sadness. The problem with being "lost in your thoughts" is that the information you have about the situation at hand won't be accurate. You will forever be dwelling on that which was or that which might be, but all of those moments shall be empty too because you didn't stop to attend to the now. The past will continue to be created and the future will come, but now is only here for a fleeting moment, and focusing on it will increase the liklihood that this moment can be effective. The mind begins to bend to body's will, and to bed I shall go, hoping to take my own advice and lay my burdens down before pulling up the covers around me. Namasté

Monday, November 22, 2004
Peer pressure.
Current mood:Quiet
It is late on a Sunday night. I should already be in bed, but I'm chatting with a friend and letting the disappointment of a much-anticipated weekend dissipate. Is it truly promises unfulfilled that create this feeling, or is it the cause of too lofty expectations? It is funny how when we do not want to do what we must the next day, we drag our feet like small children asking for a glass of water, then another story, and another trip to the bathroom...constantly postponing turning off the light and resting, no matter how tired we might be. So here I sit. It is late on a Sunday night. I should already be in bed, but there are things awaiting me in the morning that I do not wish to face. And so, with no mommy to pester, nor a daddy to tell me "That's enough! Time for bed!" I sit here typing at my computer as the minutes slip by. I have to, for my mental health, practice mindfulness. Some of you are not fortunate to be as damaged as I am, and thus you do not need to practice mindfulness, or you at least do not need to be so mindful of your practice. On the one hand, I'm certain most of you who are unaware of this fact about your lives, would be pretty pleased with yourselves were it to be brought to your attention. On the other hand, many of you are ill and do not know what ails you, nor what it is that might help you. I, however, am fortunate enough to know that I am damaged goods, and, as such, I have to give a goodly amount of attention to my life. My mental well-being cannot tolerate the abuse and stress that some of yours can. I must attend to my physical health, as well as my mental, because health is a holistic state--all aspects are interconnected. I also know that mindful living is the lynchpin to acheiving and maintaining this health. Thus, I am forced to draw myself into the here and now, in to this moment, to give it all my attention and my love. To be no where else. What do I get out of such a way of life? Aside from a chance to remain alive, it means a chance to live in a way that many others will never even think about let alone attempt. Yet all of us can do it. It requires no membership, no initiation fee. No special equipment, no textbook. You came with all the parts you needed when you arrived in this earth. Not that I'm particularly good at this yet. Just trying to keep my brain in today is hard enough, let alone attending to one thing at a time. Especially in this broadband multi-task world we live in, to disconnect a bit, step back, and pay attention to what we are doing instead of using every moment to think about the next seven moments ahead...it's not easy. But a lot of rewarding things aren't. Welcome to my journey.
4:02 AM

 Sunday, September 26, 2004
Consciousness in the loony bin.
I feel like I am walking through the shadow of a dream I once dreamt, but somehow I know this is my life and it is supposed to be real. Reality, however, seems a lot more fluid in between the crevices of my cracked skull.

Here I am in the thirty-second year of my existence, and all that I have known, and the seeming pointlessness of it all comes to a head in what? a revelation? I don't have any sense of an oncoming epiphany, but if this drudgery is all there is, then what is the point?

People say that this is not how it is supposed to be, and I believe them, and take their drugs, and do all the things that "I'm supposed to," but it still feels like playing Russian Roulette with my neurochemistry.

But here's the kicker, guys--even if you ARE right, and I feel like this because of some bloody neurotransmitter getting too happy in the wrong receptor--if you can't fix it, is life worth living? I can know that existence is not despair, but if I can't ever feel it, then put this dog to sleep!

More of this, less of that...there goes my job, fluttering away like a napkin snatched from the sticky fingers of a child eating ice cream on a windy Spring day. I am the ragged old lady on the park bench that no one wants to sit near--looking just a bit too shifty for other people's comfort--little do they realize that the shiftiness is my own discomfort in my skin, not any simmering malice toward mankind...though I suppose on somedays I am a bit misanthropic.

They put people in solitary confinement as a punishment, as a form of torture. What if being in your own brain feels like that--like solitary confinement. Yes, we are all separate from the rest, each of us never truly able to know another due to the limits of space and time, not able to crawl into another's body, mind, soul, and feel as he does, know as she does, think as another does...but there are times of connection--I have often watched, and occasionally felt that sense of knowing with another. But now I just feel alone inside my skull, running 'round and 'round and 'round and 'round and 'round....
11:54 PM

Friday, September 17, 2004
I need to see more movies.
And read more books. How does one do it, really? How do you manage to go to work for 8 hours a day, keep your house together, get your chores done, keep your sanity, keep your friends' sanity, look after your family, tend to your garden, listen to music, follow the news, keep in touch, stay healthy, eat your veggies and exercise? More than anything, I need to paint my office, so that I can get my office out of my dining room. It will only shortly after be replaced by my kitchen, but we can call that progress. *smirk* I'm trying to be a better Buddhist, but I don't even have time to read the book that tells me how, let alone to practice. I mean, I know the time is there, but the concentration isn't. I keep trying to pull it together, but it feels like it takes a strength I currently lack, and without a sangha it is hard to know how to gather it. I've been thinking about philosophy lately, most likely because I've crossed paths with another philosopher... I can feel the evil tug of the sickly Muse. Mike--you are right, she is a cruel mistress. I keep my back firmly turned to the Ivory Tower, though I climb its stairs each day. The inside of my skull feels shattered, and it makes me want to break on through to the other side, and then help comes from the most unlikely of places. I thank you, dear. You did so much more than you realize. So many things tugging at my skirt. I try to remain placeful, but I feel myself being moved inches in all directions...going nowhere, but never sitting still.
1:32 AM

Of cruelty and kindness

Anyone who has opened a news website, magazine, or paper or who has listened to the daily news on the radio or TV has surely encountered some terrible acts of human cruelty. This is nothing new, nor is the fact that such acts capture our attention and imagination. What we often hear after learning of some depraved event is the lamenting of human nature or some blanket statement of our general horribleness.

While I find these terrible acts as horrifying as anyone else, I must disagree with the tendency to bemoan our species, though I have certainly indulged the habit plenty enough myself. In response to fearmongering about crime, I have often pointed out that, while one person was robbed, a hundred thousand came and went about their day totally harm-free, but you never see the headline: 328,345 People Were Not Mugged Today!.

Stories of animal abuse break my heart more than just about anything, and it is hard to not think unkindly toward the person who so badly burned the beagle mix who has become known as Hope to her caretakers at the Fayette Friends of Animals (please consider making a donation to help pay for her medical bills). It is true that burning an animal that badly is reprehensible, heartbreaking, horrifying, bewildering. It is easy to focus on the wrongdoer and become angry, indignant, and to wish revenge upon him or her. But while it took but one person to light the match (or whatever it was), hundreds (maybe thousands) of people are helping to heal this little dog. Tragedy churns up grief and we naturally focus on what has been lost and destroyed. We are outraged that what once was whole has been torn asunder. Certainly this is a wrong, but why do we choose to dwell so long and cling so hard to that misery?  Why do we remain blind to the outpouring of love and generosity that inevitably follows? You can remain mad that a wrong has been done, but you'll remain mad forever as the world offers no shortage of sadness and grief. On the other hand, if you are able to move past your grief to see the good that swirls in to fill the hole, heal the wounds, rebuild the broken, you may find yourself crying every day at the abundance of love around you.

Your mind is your world. You create what you see around you by what you do and what you choose to focus on.  If you want love, give it to someone you think does not deserve it.  If you want wealth, be generous.  If you want peace, be peacemaker. If you do not see the kindness, compassion, generosity, and love in others, perhaps you need to shift your attention from others to yourself.  To whom have you given care and solace?  With whom have you shared the bounty of your life?  If you do not feel bountiful, take some time to practice gratitude--if you are reading this, you are probably doing pretty well if you think about it.

So I invite you the next time you hear of a terrible event to consider to what and to whom you give your attention and energy. You can remake your world. Terrible things will continue to happen, but they do not need to create ugliness within you.  They can instead be doors to greater compassion and softness.  Suffering is terrible, but we can choose to respond to it in ways that help to alleviate it or increase it--for ourselves and others.

My heart goes out to that poor little burned dog, for the pain and fear that she must have experienced. My heart goes out to those who perpetrated the act--how broken and damaged they must be to do something so callous. My religion teaches that they have now reaped negative karma upon themselves that will increase their suffering.  Until they find a way to purify that, the cycle will continue and they will bring harm to themselves and to other beings.  How can I want anything but their healing and wholeness?  May they know the love and its causes. May they be free from suffering and its causes.  May they never be separated from sorrowless bliss.  May they abide in equanimity, free from bias, attachment and anger. My heart is filled with gratitude and joy for all those who have come to Hope's aid, and for the rescue shelter that does not kill.

May you have love and its causes. (Maitri)
May you be free from suffering and its causes. (Karuna)
May you never be separated from sorrowless bliss. (Mudita)
May you abide forever in equanimity, free from bias, attachment, anger, and fear.(Upeksha)

May your love be fierce and your anger cooled.
May all beings benefit from your goodness.

Namasté.

Dalai Lama Quote of the Week -- Summary Advice

Sometimes people complain that the advice given by figures like His Holiness is trite because it is so "simple." To all who think this, I invite you to try to live any of his "simple" suggestions.

Summary Advice

1. Realize the value of the human body with which you have been endowed, for it is the result of many past good causes. Appreciate the fact that teachings are available and ready to be implemented.
2. Since this precious human life can be used in powerfully beneficial or destructive ways, and is itself most fragile, make good use of it now.
3. Physical happiness is just an occasional balance of elements in the body, not a deep harmony. Understand the temporary for what it is.
4. A tamed mind makes you peaceful, relaxed, and happy; whereas, if your mind is not peaceful and tamed, no matter how wonderful your external circumstances, you will be beset by frights and worries. Realize that the root of your own happiness and welfare rests with a peaceful and tamed mind. It is also a great benefit to those around you.
--from Mind of Clear Light: Advice on Living Well and Dying Consciously by His Holiness the Dalai Lama, translated and edited by Jeffrey Hopkins, Ph.D.

Religious Truth

Sakka asked the Buddha: "Do different religious teachers head for the same goal or practice the same disciplines or aspire to the same thing?"

"No, Sakka, they do not. And why? This world is made up of myriad different states of being, and people adhere to one or another of these states and become tenaciously possessive of them, saying, 'This alone is true, everything else is false.' It is like a territory that they believe is theirs. So all religious teachers do not teach the same goal or the same discipline, nor do they aspire to the same thing.

"But if you find truth in any religion or philosophy, then accept that truth without prejudice."

-Digha Nikaya

Dalai Lama Quote of the Week -- On the meaning of "blessing"

Let me begin by explaining what we mean by blessing when we talk about a lama's blessing or the blessing of the Dharma in the Buddhist context. Blessing must arise from within your own mind. It is not something that comes from outside, even though we talk about a lama's blessing or the blessing of the Three Objects of Refuge. When the positive qualities of your mind increase and negativities decrease, that is what blessing means. The Tibetan word for blessing can be broken into two parts--byin means "magnificent potential," and rlab means "to transform." So byin rlab means transforming into magnificent potential. Therefore, blessing refers to the development of virtuous qualities that you did not previously have and the improvement of those good qualities that you have already developed. It also means decreasing the defilements of the mind that obstruct the generation of wholesome qualities. So actual blessing is received when the mind's virtuous attributes gain strength and its defective characteristics weaken or deteriorate.
--from Stages of Meditation by the Dalai Lama, root text by Kamalashila, translated by Geshe Lobsang Jordhen, Losang Choephel Ganchenpa, and Jeremy Russell, published by Snow Lion Publications